


face it, you're never gonna make it

by rosewitchx



Series: "it's a hoot that you don't get why we need this." [2]
Category: Black Panther (2018), Deadpool (2016), Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Trailer, Ceiling Vent Clint Barton, Clone Wars, Gen, Instant Kill Mode, Iron Spider Armor, It's PTSD Wednesday, Minor Character Death, Murder, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Steven Universe - Freeform, Stress Baking, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, be grateful i didn't write the Other Idea, everyone has PTSD, i saw a cool video on ig and pain flooded me so i had to, may is a bad cook, minor in the sense that they're not peter parker, vaguely
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-21
Updated: 2018-02-21
Packaged: 2019-03-22 06:23:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13758150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosewitchx/pseuds/rosewitchx
Summary: peter breaks his rule and deals with the consequences (read: he killed thanos and now he's avoiding reality like he's tony stark)





	face it, you're never gonna make it

He doesn't think about it. He just lungs forward and screams.

Everyone is on the ground and unable to help, even Peter himself. A shard of Cap's shield goes through Steve's lifeless body; Wanda's nose is leaking blood and Loki isn't breathing anymore, cold as ice. Everyone else — on the ground, unable to help. 

Except for Tony.

_Tony—_

Peter's breathing hitches when Iron Man raises a hand to shoot at Thanos and the purple raisin just  _grabs_ his mentor. And squeezes.

He hears the suit — the Mark 50? The Mark 100? Peter's lost count — whirr and crack. 

He doesn't think about it.  

He doesn't hear himself say it.

He doesn't hear Karen's voice as she activates  _that_ mode.

He doesn't hear Tony's cry: "Peter, no!"

No, Peter doesn't hear anything at all. In that moment, even the raging war behind him is silent.

He just lungs forward and screams.  

 

Later, when the fight has long since ended and the Avengers are dealing with the aftermath of the destruction, he realizes: he broke his only rule.

He doesn't talk about it. He doesn't mention it, even when Tony asks him about it. He just looks at him and hopes he can be forgiven.

He swings through New York, through Queens, helping as much as he can — as if that will finally clean the blood from his hands. Tony says it was inevitable, not looking into his eyes; it was his death or the death of everything else. Bucky, tired and heartbroken (though he tries to pretend otherwise) says it wasn't his fault. Big Peter takes him on a ride and they eat alien desserts and it helps him, just a little, even if the nightmares do come back that very same night. Sometimes, he crawls into the vents when his darkest thoughts arrive, and sneaks around with Clint, and sometimes, he slides into Dr. Banner's lab and just watches him work.

Shuri comes one night to the Avengers Complex, and she and Peter spend hours tinkering around with Tony in the lab. He has the time of his life watching as they fight over the smallest of things. 

May bakes horrible, awful cookies with him. Ned and MJ show up and the cookies end up way too sweet and a little burnt, but Peter's laughing for the first time in ages, and they binge-watch  _The Clone Wars_  (because somehow Peter hasn't heard of it ever) and he doesn't have nightmares that night, so everything goes alright.

But it isn't all alright.

Natasha helps him deal with that, fighting his frustrations while they train together. Sam invites him to his veteran help group or whatever and Peter feels a little out of place, at first, because everyone is at least ten years older than him and they're looking at him with pity in his eyes, but it slowly gets better and Scott tells him _it always gets better_. And Vision, Tony's Vision, he talks to him when he can't sleep and can't talk and can't breathe, talks him down from skyscrapers and brings him back from the world of his fears.

Things get better. It always gets better. And they get worse, too, for a while.

He dreams about it. The nightmares don't seem to ever stop. About Thanos' ugly, raisin face. About what he could've done. Tony says it's okay, he did what he could, but he could have done more. He could have saved Steve, and Wanda, and Loki, just like he saved Tony. He could have done it. But he didn't, and it haunts him. 

Sam says he should talk about it, but how can he? How can he when all he sees is their bodies on the dirt, Thanos above it all? 

Deadpool tells him, one moonless night, that it will be okay. Deadpool understands and doesn't look at him with pity in his eyes when he tells him what he's done. He feels safer with him. He feels like things could be alright. So he talks to him. And slowly, he opens up. To Sam, to Clint, to Nat, to Thor as they watch Steven Universe (the demigod opens up to him too and he thinks that's really damn cool); Scott listens to him eagerly, Vision provides him with really smart advice. Rhodey and Dr. Banner take turns in helping him out the best they can, he takes Bucky out with his family and they picnic in Central Park (Bucky just lays down on a huge rock and lets the flock of birds gather around him, a loaf of bread under his arm, while MJ doodles him and Ned just giggles uncontrollably).

And Tony tells him, one cold night under the stars: "it's okay to think about it."

Peter looks at him. He doesn't tell Tony he's crying. He tells him: "you should too."

And they think about it; the war.

He takes a deep breath and thinks.

It takes him a long time to convince himself, but he finally thinks, someday, he'll be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> i haven't watched bp yet, so please excuse any bp inaccuracies.  
> the thing with the birds and central park is an actual thing that happened. my dad loves bread and he can't live w/o it so we bought some before heading there. and the fuckin birds just followed him around. he ended up giving them all his bread but he was so happy i think it was worth it.  
> i haven't watched the clone wars. i have to but i;m scared it will break me, like rebels just did.  
> thor definitely would love steven universe. i'll fight you on this.  
> peter would totes become clint's vent buddy  
> as for instant kill being there: i like to think tony just overlooked it, never thought peter would actually use it. oopsie doopsie  
> sorryikilledcapandwandaandloki bye thx 4 readin


End file.
